a new year

It was hard getting up this morning. I haven't run in one year. The last run I did before today was on Jan 1, 2008. I ran a 5 mile race in the Berkeley Marina. I had major side stitches. I made myself get up. It was tempting to stay in, but I said to myself, getting up early and running is a great one to start the new year, nothing like the present to get my butt into shape. I'm so glad I ran. I ran about 5miles. My hip is sore, but not too bad.

Motherhood is ever changing. I am enjoying it more now. The first 13 weeks of breastfeeding was full of sadness, struggle, felt like a loser, etc. I felt so ill-prepared. After 13weeks of breastfeeding, I finally weaned. N. was eating 30oz a day and I produce probably around 6oz or maybe 8oz(guessing what he sucked) a day. It was a losing battle. Each feeding took 1hr 40min, sometimes longer sometimes shorter. I basically did nothing, but breastfeed. When I give him a toy to suck, I still feel quite sad that I couldn't provide enough breastmilk for N. I am enjoying the freedom for not bf, but part of me still feels sad. I feel like I lost the breastfeeding battle. Part of me knows that there is more than giving my best to N. than breastmilk, but another part of me still wish I could bf. If we have a second child, I'm not sure if I will have the endurance to keep trying for as long as I did this time. I had pain, some blisters, etc, but I sucked it up. My body just wouldn't produce enough. It's good for me to write this out.

I start work again on Monday. I'm not looking forward to it. I just started enjoying motherhood and not wearing pajamas all the day long and now I have to go back to work. I am looking forward to all the things I want to teach N. There are so many things I want to teach him. I want to teach him sign language, help him build language skills, develop emotionally, socially, the list just goes on and on. I want him to be healthy, eat healthy and exercise, etc. He is so helpless right now and so cute! I just want to hold him forever sometimes. Of course there are times that I can't wait for DH to hold him.

N. is up from his nap.